Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dear Nicky, #5 is for you

Though I have a few months before I'll look to accomplishing #5 on the list - learn to snowboard - today has prompted a blog post. It is the first anniversary of my cousin's passing...a day I have dreaded since the break up. Missing him so much that I'm hoping the letter below will help me get through the night.

Dear Nicky,

Yeah yeah, you go by Nick now. Whatever lil cuz, you will eternally be 8 yrs old in my eyes. But I guess now I'll always remember you as 21, the age at which you left us. Today's been rough, dude. I've been dreading it for the past year but especially since the break up. Have you seen the break up bucket list? Did you check out #5? You'd better watch over me when I start learning to snowboard to make sure I stay safe, though most likely you'll be laughing at me when I fall repeatedly on a sore butt. I wish I had tried to learn sooner so I could've taken you up on those invites to hit the slopes together. I still hate what happened to you and hope we'll see justice one day soon. We lost you just because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I still can't get past how senseless and stupid it was, damn street racers.

It's been so hard today and made harder by recent shocking, hurtful news and awkward social circumstances. Today was the ultimate test of my strength and I survived. Thanks for not letting me walk into the dinner party alone; I felt you with me. I've been so scared to deal with this anniversary and kept thinking about what amazing support I had from him last year at this time. If someone had told me then how different things would be in just a year's time, I'd call them crazy. Whose chest was I going to sob into now? Who was going to put their arms around me and make me feel things would be ok? My friends have been amazing, even the ones that I've only gotten closer to recently. But who was going to be the one person I could depend on? You. Ironically, you are the one who's helping me deal with missing you. I asked for your help to get through my day, particularly my evening, and when the hardest part had passed, I thanked you because I knew you were there, like my invisible buffer. And when I get sad about that guy in my life who helped me get through the wake, funeral and regular bouts of weeping for months and months thereafter but now can't be there for me anymore, I hear you say, "you don't need him. You got me; I'm right here."

Sometimes I forget that you're gone. Then I remember the reality and it gets hard again. So promise me you'll still keep reminding me that you're right here with me and we'll be all good. Love you, Nick. I know there's a lot of us all wanting you to stay beside us but if there's one person who could handle being there for all his friends and family as much as possible, it's you.

Your Big Cuz

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